Cranky

What do you do when you’re cranky, but can’t figure out why?

Do you go through that?

I do.

Usually coming to work fixes that.  My philosophy has always been that it’s hard enough to be sick, let alone having a cranky nurse.  Once I get on the treatment floor, usually my entire attitude changes.  I’m focused on something outside of myself–I can’t give the cranky any energy, so it gives up and leaves.

Today is different, however.  Today, I’m 3 hours into my shift currently…and I am still cranky.  I have been cranky ever since my group therapy/class I was at yesterday.

I’m being worked up for bariatric surgery.

Don’t get me wrong–I completely believe that the scale is just a number, and it is a very poor indicator of a person’s actual health.  I am very supportive of body positivity at all sizes.  We are all unique, beautiful creatures, and our mental health need not be a slave to numbers.

However, there are times when a person’s body composition negatively impacts their health.  Mine has resulted in insulin excess and resistance–the extra insulin levels in my blood cause me to gain extra body fat at an abnormal rate.  My hormone levels are all out of whack.  I’m struggling with infertility, and my husband and I both desperately want children.

And I’m tired.  And as I gain weight, I am having a harder and harder time doing my job.  My back hurts.  My feet hurt.  I have worsening sleep apnea.

So I made a choice.  A choice to try to save my life.

This also means, however, that I have to face some difficult facts.

I’m a classic binge-eater.  Surgery decreases the amount you can eat in one sitting, but it doesn’t fix the impulses that result in binge eating.  And you can definitely stretch out your stomach pouch from over eating after surgery.  This is one reason why people will regain the weight after having weight loss surgery.

So, a requirement for me to have the surgery is I have to complete this class called “BEST”…which is basically binge eating prevention strategies.  It’s group therapy.  I have to attend 4 sessions of it, and each week focuses on different things like stress management and goal setting, etc.  Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I have taken A LOT of psychology courses in my time–and they haven’t yet told me anything I don’t know.  This becomes irritating for me after awhile because it’s 90 minutes of talking about things I am aware of–and of course there’s always that one person who has comments for EVERYTHING, or over-explains their point.  Not that I’m never guilty of this, I definitely am, but this person’s obvious anxiety threatens to set off my own anxiety.  It’s difficult.  The one beneficial thing is that I am utilizing the skills taught, and THAT is teaching me things about myself.

Knowledge is useless if we don’t apply it.

So I’ve been cranky.

Now I’m at work, and for the first time in a long time, it’s not helping.  I know that I’ll go to the gym after work today–maybe that’ll help?

Changing the eating habits makes it difficult, too.  Instead of getting the dopamine dump of eating crappy comfort foods…well, I’m not getting the crappy comfort foods.  I know that this, too, shall pass, but the mood shift has been a challenge, and I cannot wait for my body to renormalize.  But it is a wait.

I think that this is part of the challenge of balance.  Yes, we can do cleansings and meditate and use crystal therapy, but NONE of these things are going to create an instantaneous, let alone permanent, improvement.  It takes time.  It takes persistence.  It takes faith, and willpower, and visualization of the goal.

Magic is in everything we do.

Do it.

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About Ariawn

I am 32 years old and have been studying Wicca for over 15 years. In 2012 I was elevated to the third degree in Traditional English Wicca by Dragoman Sledz. Since his passing earlier this year, it has been my goal to develop and document our Wiccan philosophy as fully as it is within my power to do so, and in doing so continue our mission to bring Wicca out of the shadows and make it available to those who seek the path. I currently reside in Ohio with my husband and our three cats, and I work as a registered nurse in Cleveland. I have an additional bachelor's degree in English literature. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.
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